Flogging Franklstein

History doesn't repeat itself. You repeat History.

My Photo
Location: Denver, Colorado, United States

Saturday, August 26, 2006

OW! (Or How I Celebrated Colorado's Birthday)

So at the beginning of the month I had this medical problem. I know Roger wants to know about it, so I will explain what happened. My apologies to my other reader. Just scroll to the end for what you are really here for.

It all started on August 1st. I went to work all constipated - didn't crap a bit. sometime around 10:00 I got that "Here comes a fever" feeling. I went home at about 11:30. Just after I changed my clothes, the chills hit me like a scorned trailer-trash fat chick on The Jerry Springer Show. I laid down and tried to sleep between alternating fits of uncontrolled shivering and mind-numbing sweating. I checked my temperature after a few hours of sleep. It was 101.8 degrees. My bad fever broke at about 6:00, and I just lay vegging on the couch, watching TV and searching the internets.

The next morning I still was having on and off minor fevers. I was also finding it incredibly painful to take a shit. Only a little bit of thin, whispy craplets were coming out. I called work and told them I was going to work from home. I worked at my kitchen counter because it was painful to sit down. I slept on and off while working and throughout the night.

The next day I was still crapping poorly and getting a fever on and off, so I went to the doctor. Of course, being a butt problem, I had to get the finger probe. He thought it might be my prostate that was causing my problems. Of course, to determine that, he had to poke it repeatedly. "Does that hurt?" he asked. "Only because you keep poking it!" I replied.

I had to pee in a cup so he could rule out my prostate. Well, I couldn't pee in a cup. Nothing was flowing, probably because my prostate gave me the big "fuck you!" after being poked repeatedly.

Anyway, with no piss evidence to rule out my now angry prostate, the doctor consulted his father (They are a father/son office. The doctors are great - tons better than going to a freakin' HMO.) They both concluded that I either had a prostate infection or a bowel infection. I was prescribed Cipro.

It turns out that while I may have had some kind of infection, I for sure had an internal hemorrhoid (which would explain all that anal bleeding I would get periodically for the last 10 months.) How do I know this? I know this because the next day my internal hemorrhoid became a strangulated hemorrhoid. I gleaned this from doing some research on Wikipedia:

* (I84.3-I84.5) External hemorrhoids are those that occur outside of the anal verge (the distal end of the anal canal). They are sometimes painful, and can be accompanied by swelling and irritation. Itching, although often thought to be a symptom from external hemorrhoids, is more commonly due to skin irritation.
o (I84.3) If the vein ruptures and a blood clot develops, the hemorrhoid becomes a thrombosed hemorrhoid.

* (I84.0-I84.2) Internal hemorrhoids are those that occur inside the rectum. As this area lacks pain receptors, internal hemorrhoids are usually not painful and most people are not aware that they have them. Internal hemorrhoids, however, may bleed when irritated.

* (I84.1) Untreated internal hemorrhoids can lead to two severe forms of hemorrhoids: prolapsed and strangulated hemorrhoids.
o Prolapsed hemorrhoids are internal hemorrhoids that are so distended that they are pushed outside of the anus.
o If the anal sphincter muscle goes into spasm and traps a prolapsed hemorrhoid outside of the anal opening, the supply of blood is cut off, and the hemorrhoid becomes a strangulated hemorrhoid.

For some great hemorrhoid pictures, go here

I think the REAL clue, though, was the fact that there was a little nub outside my asshole and it hurt REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY BAD!!!!!!!!!!

I spent all day Friday and all day Saturday in severe pain. I felt I had to shit constantly, and when I would attempt to, I would break out is bad sweats and whine as I attempted to crap in mid-air.

I wasn't eating, and had no desire to eat. My body probably didn't want any more pressure down there. I was sleeping on and off those two days. Every time I would cough or sneeze I would tense up from the searing pain from my ass. You don't realize how much work you asshole puts in preventing you from shitting yourself every time your body is busy doing something until you have the kind of hemorrhoid I did. Three Cheers to the healthy asshole! You do a great job.

I think my pain can best be described in song:

My Asshole Was a Burning Ring Of Fire
I'd Sit Down, Down, Down
And The Pain Would Flame Higher

And It Hurts, Hurts, Hurts
That Ring Of Fire
That Ring Of Fire

--With apologies to the late great Johnny Cash and June Carter

Sunday morning I was laying down watching TV. I had to fart, so I tried. That is when the hemorrhoid burst. There was blood and goo everywhere (YAY couch covers!) but the pain was gone. And it was a HUGE relief that the pain was gone. I can't explain how much of a relief it was. I am sure it doesn't compare to the relief experienced when your torturer stops giving you electric shocks on your balls, but I imagine it's close.

I bled into the toilet the rest of the day while spending the rest of the time with toilet paper shoved into my ass crack. I didn't care, though, because I could shit at will. I could sit down. I stopped having fevers. Life was good.

I went back to the doctor Monday. He pretty much said "Yep, that's a hemorrhoid." He prescribed some foam stuff that I needed to inject into my ass with a syringe. (Not with a needle - a syringe doesn't require a needle. This is the Hip Fact of the Day.)

I worked the rest of the week with toilet paper up my asscrack, and returned to work the following Monday with toilet paper up my asscrack. I think it is finally healed now.

And that's the story, Roger.

I would like to thank Dr. Pauly and Wil Wheaton for keeping me sane during this process. Ya see, the Main Event at the World Series of Poker was going on during my adventure. When I would wake up in the middle of the night (several times each night) I would check Pauly on his poker blog and Wil (and the other writers - including CJ) on the PokerStars blog for updates and entertainment. I have to say they did a wonderful job. And I would like to thank Steve Jobs for my MacBook Pro - which I kept on my coffee table so I could surf the internets tubes without having to sit.